Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
we should paint friendship bongs
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