I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
