3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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