I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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