Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
