Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
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