i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
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It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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