did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
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