In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
