I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
