She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
