Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
