hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
