his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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