i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
