Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
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I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
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No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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