fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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