Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
