good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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