Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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