she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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