I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
