I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
