We won't sleep together?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
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