Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
