when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
