I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
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