She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
