Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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