The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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