I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
