How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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