How'd it feel making her break her religion?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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