just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
