I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
