The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
