Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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