...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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