Betty ford says i'm here all night
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
