My hand turned me down
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
