The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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