Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
