So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
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I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
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