I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
