I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Someone shattered a urinal.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
