when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
