I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
