Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
He shit in the fireplace
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
