Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
