I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
