Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
