the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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