I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
