It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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