I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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