My Higher Power is John Stamos
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
