I'm really into asian looking animals
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
