I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
