my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
