Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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