WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
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